Y’all.
I’ve been giving too much of my energy away.
After 10+ years of intentional self-work and monthly+ therapy sessions (yes, 10 years of monthly or more therapy sessions), I still struggle with the head and heart getting along.
I’m a helper. A carer. Lover. Dreamer.
Passionate. Creative. Playful. Wild.
My brain doesn’t want to place rules or restrictions in those places of my heart because RUDE and HOW DARE YOU.
That is, not until my heart is physically hurting or I’m so drained that I isolate and can’t move. Then my brain will obnoxiously remind me, “You knew. We let you know, again. You’ve always known.”
I have always known.
I know well enough that I only let a few people into my deeper self.
That’s where I get into trouble.
So, imagine me DATING. In today’s society. ONLINE. After 20 years of marriage.
Before I divorced, I hadn’t dated since the 90s.
You know, back when you had to BRAVELY approach an interesting someone JUST FOR THEIR PHONE NUMBER.
Then, you had to call them and…SPEAK WITH YOUR VOICE to conversate and maybe even ask them out on a date.
That took some serious courage and effort. I dare say it built character and humility, too.
BUT TODAY? Y’aaaall.
Today, dating is a “choose your own weird-ass adventure” paperback with zero instructions on what page to turn to AFTER you’ve chosen the adventure.
Feel confused?
WELCOME TO ONLINE DATING
My name is Amy, and I’ll be your tour guide during this exciting journey!
A little bit about myself, ahem.
I’m in my late 40s, have been dating for 5 years post-divorce, haven’t had a committed thing of any kind since dating, and I hate myself*.
Shall we get started??? Yay!
Anyone here have a strong moral code of ethics that is important to you?
If yes, follow the dimly lit floor lights directly to the exits. Walk carefully, but also RUN.
What about newly separated, out of a long relationship, or in the divorce process singles with us?
I see we do! Here are our updated pamphlets on “Why I Should Have Waited, Please God What Have I Done,” “Whoops, That Escalated Quickly into Pregnancy and/or Marriage,” and our most popular, “I Guess I Was Mostly Horn*y, I Mean Suppressed.”
Make sure to visit the last page, which includes a detailed list of local therapists you can’t afford.
Okay! Next, we’ll be listening in on some audio from the most controversial area of online dating — ghosting.
Please be quiet and still during this presentation. Eating, sleeping, and peeing are optional but highly discouraged.
This portion of the tour will last roughly one week.
Upon completion, you will be fully prepared for the same rush of silence after your next “was fun for you and you think for them, too” date.
And…for the last part of the tour, let’s discuss the BIG QUESTION on everyone’s mind. You know what I’m talking about!
No, ma’am, not the marriage proposal “big question.” That’s absurd. Please follow the dimly lit floor lights directly to the exits. Do not walk carefully.
My apologies for that, folks. Let’s all take a deep breath. Whew!
Now, let’s talk about the *actual* big question. The infamous DO YOU WANT TO BE EXCLUSIVE question!
Trust me, I know this *does* seem like a scary and overwhelming question to ask or answer, but you need not worry yourselves. Unless you’re a straight female, of course!
Hahahahaha! It’s funny because it’s true, amirite?
Seriously, though, no matter your gender or orientation, if you enjoy watching five or more movies at once, then you’ll definitely want to avoid asking the “big question.” How on earth would you even survive watching one movie at a time and NOT having daily drama from your suitors? Crazy talk, I say!
If *you* are asked the dreaded question, simply respond with vague answers, lies, or carry on as if the questioner never existed. It’s that easy!
What about those who want exclusivity or more? That’s no problem. We have wonderful online resources that will guide you through the denial process.
I personally recommend reading “How to Overcome Being Mature,” “How Not to Ask Anything at All Ever Again“ and the latest from the “She’s Too Clingy” series, “She Wanted to Ride Together in the Same Car Like We Were a Couple.”
Look at you now. Legitimate online dating experts! I couldn’t be prouder.
Again, my name is Amy, and I thank you all for joining me today. It’s been a pleasure.
Unfortunately, I won’t be able to take any questions at this time.
I do, however, recommend that all of you immediately RUN through the dimly lit floor lights directly to the exits.
In fact, I’ll be running with you, too.
*Amy embraced her energy and giving spirit as valuable and beautiful. Her standards and values are more important than being on a carousel of limbo. She’s excited to meet someone in the same space and shares the same energy. She also removed all of her dating apps and no longer hates herself.
No Comments